Relationships

So, who wants a headache?   Might wanna take an Advil or something before reading this... unless you've been where I've been.

I'm torn by two natures in me.  They say that everyone makes decisions based on their mind and emotions, with their will (sometimes also called tendency or predisposition, not so much a conscious thing) determining the balance between the two parts that is achieved.  I find most often that my balance is based almost entirely on the mind (logic and reason rather than feelings and instinct).  I equate the mind to a mechanical (and often cold and hard) form of thought.  However, the emotional part that's been creeping up lately is that part that has a human, organic feel (compassion, unconditional love, hope).  The sermon in church yesterday made me realize that I've subjugated my emotions to my mind for so long that I had come to a point where I knew as Christians, we pray and want for Heaven on Earth, but I for one had stopped hoping for it because a reasonable (or reason-based) assessment of my life so far leaves me kinda hopeless for humanity as a whole in this fallen world.

The good news is that I'm not always right.

I am a lot better off in where I am today because I have based everything up till now on logic.  I have never smoked or been drunk or done drugs.  I have few regrets (like not having a better relationship with my dad before he passed away).  I have saved myself countless amounts of time, money, and energy by focusing on my education and finishing it early (thanks for giving me that opportunity Mom and Dad).

However, hope has taken over the last few weeks as I have logically assessed that I cannot stay in my current position of employment and still afford life at all (rent isn't cheap, though it's cheaper than other places).  I hope for a new job.  But that is work for another day.

There are other issues I'm very sharply divided on within myself.  I want to do this, but I know to do that.  It actually has become somewhat of a daily struggle for me.  Every few hours or so, one of the main items comes up and I re-evaluate it all over for the thousandth time.  "Where am I at in life?"  "Why do I want to do this when I could be doing that?"  "Am I ready for such a big change?"  "How would this affect everything else going on right now?"  "What part of who I am as a person (or me in my individuality) searches for this?"  "Would this have a positive effect on my future or would it damage it?"  "Why does this keep coming up when I've already answered it?"  There are many different questions I ask myself constantly.  Usually I resolve to maintain my course and pursue some courses of action while abstaining from others.  I'm not so troubled by the questions themselves as I am by the constancy that my emotions challenge what my mind has established.

Growing up, I'd make a decision and it would be decided.  I would deal with it once and it wouldn't come up again.  I guess I miss how simple childhood was.  I miss playing all day long with no cares.  Some days I spend all day worrying about cares with no room for play.  Being self-responsible (different from self-sufficient) has proved to be quite a stressful challenge to adapt to, though I am happier now that I have ever been the last few years.  I have learned a great number of things by moving out on my own and the transition into that, which I made through my college years.

When all is taken into account on a day when I've had a reasonable amount of sleep to get a balanced perspective, I'm quite happy where I'm at other than the job thing.  Would I move to find a better job?  Yes.  Almost in a heartbeat (it would mean leaving my home of the last three and a half years, where so many stories have been written in my life, but I would get over it).  It would mean starting over somewhere new in all likelihood, but I could do that.  I've done it twice in the last few years.  I can adapt and adjust.  I just can't settle for less than what I'm looking for.

But that's a tangent.  I'm divided.  And the hardest part about the issue is that it isn't a moral question.  If it were a matter of right or wrong, it would be easy.  But these days it seems to be more of an issue of now or later.  For now, I choose later because I have time.  Many of these things can wait, and so I will choose for them to.  It would be good now, but it can be so much better later.  And I'm looking for God's best for my life right now and in the future, so I will do the best that I know now.

In this case, I must continue to follow logic for now, but I must also learn to factor in emotions and, while keeping it all in proper balance, remain grounded and logical while also being human (caring, compassionate, understanding).  Once I learn how to look at everything from a balanced perspective (one that matches God's own perspective of us), I'll have a better grasp on life.  And time and God's patience working with and in me will bring that to be.

God, give me patience to wait as long as you would have me and give me wisdom to know when to act.  Continue to lead, teach, and protect me.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me