1-Feb-2006

Woo Hoo! All Bow Before Me!  This is My Week...In Hell

Yep. 
That's what I said.  One thing after the next.  No, you could
argue none of it matters, but you're not in my shoes, so it's a little
harder to see from where I am.  I've been sick since last
Wednesday (and it's coming back on strong today with the exact same
symptoms I had before I got sick originally - yay for multiple mutating
strains of a virus, they can all get you sick in a row).  I spent
last week sleeping in my apartment.  I don't want to do it
again.  Oh, and I was snapping at my roommate all yesterday (sorry
Travis).  The dumbest things were setting me off.  Like
dropping that stupid little plastic cup with the lid that instead of
just making a mess all over the floor, it decided to get my pants and
shirt in on the action.  Sometimes the food is just crappy, other
times it fights back.  Or when I'm walking about 20 feet behind my
roommate and he doesn't see me, so before I think to call out for him
to hold the apartment door open, it closes right in my face (that one
was my fault, I should have gotten his attention).  Or, there's
the part where I feel like the day was wasted.  I did actually get
a good amount done, it just doesn't feel like it.  And there's the
utterly depressing feeling I have looming over me.

And the
question in the back of my mind "Is any of it worth it?"  Any of
what?  Oh, I don't know.... Life for one.  There's a ton of
things swimming around in my head, doubts, questions, ideas of wrong
and right.  I'm really under attack right now and I don't know how
to escape it other than going to sleep which is not an option right
now.  In fact, I don't see myself sleeping for some time
now.  Who cares?  I don't get any rest when I am sleeping
anyway.  There's something about this school - or maybe school in
general - that's strangling me.  And my worst nightmare is that
the rest of life will be no better.  I just feel strangled by
everything around me and there's nothing I can do but wait.  I
told you I was depressed.

And who ever decided that bureaucracy
was a good thing must have been the only person to ever get anything
good out of it.  I tell you, I'm so ticked off....  It's my
money.  Give it to me and let me do with it whatever I want. 
Direct deposit is supposed to be convenient.  Why do I have to
give you a deposit slip with the info on it that I have to write on
your little white form anyway?  I guess I wouldn't mind if I had
deposit slips for those accounts.  Hey, don't you believe that I
would take due process to make sure you're putting my money where I
want it to go?  Now I have to go order deposit slips for that
account to attach to a form to prove that my money is going to my
account.  Thank goodness I don't have to pay for ordering deposit
slips on that account.

And guess what.  If I screw up the
info for the account on the form, it's my fault, not yours. 
Stupid (in)justice system....  It's too easy to sue.  People
sue for anything and everything.  In fact, I could probably cut
myself on the glass while breaking into your house and sue you after I
stole all your possessions.  It should cost a million dollars to
sue over stupid stuff, and another million if you win.  Hey! How
about instead of suing to get things done, we just listen to people's
advice and make safety changes before anyone gets hurt.  Can
anyone tell I'm a little peeved?  I AM!

Arrrrh.  Stupid people ruining life for the rest of us....

I'm
half tempted to just not bother.  I have 4 more months.  Then
I'm gone (I think, I hope, I pray).  I'm worried about becoming an
"institutionalized man."  Seen the Shawshank Redemption? 
Yeah, good movie.  You spend enough time somewhere and you lose
your ability to live anywhere else.  You get so used to things
being how they are, you find safety - even in a hell. I hope I can keep
moving around enough to not get stuck somehow.  I don't want to
hit a dead end job or be lost in some forgotten rut.  I want to be
able to change, adapt, and keep up with anything that may come my
way.  And all the time, I want to be growing toward God.  I
just don't know if I can.  I'm really under attack.  And I'm
doing all I can just to stay above water, let alone actually be able to
do any good anywhere.

God, please help me.  I can't do it
on my own.  I do need you to keep me safe and protect me.  In
Christ's name...

Note: Posted yesterday