18-Jun-2005

So I'm busy, sue me.  Actually, please don't.  I'm not exactly rich.  But God provides what I need, and I still get a little extra from time to time.

I finally did some real thinking while I was on the Ukraine trip.  This thing I was thinking about isn't anything new; I've known it all along.  After all, you don't just miss something like this.  But you can deny it and ignore it.  And that is what I've been doing my entire life.  But one night, I sat down to have a talk with my sister on that trip.  She is so great.  Here I thought I was going to be the one to help her out if she needed it, but after we got talking, the focus turned to me and my problem.  You see, I'm selfish.  I'm about as selfish as they come.  And it's nothing new.  That is why I won't date right now, and haven't ever dated.  I knew I had things I needed to work out first, but I didn't know what they were.  I just knew God was telling me to wait.  And that is hard because of this selfishness.

I can't help but thing about myself first.  But I've been working on that ever since I realized it, and staying with this large family this summer has been a big help.  You see, even if it is playing a game, it is realizing that I don't have to win for it to be fun.  The point is to play.  And when there are this many people around (the family has 11 member living under one roof, and I am number 12), I am learning that me and my time are not my own.  I live in relationship with everyone I come in contact with.  I have a responsibility to be an example to the younger members, and to help the parents and older siblings.  It's like having little brothers and sisters that I get to help at meals when the milk is too heavy, even though I really want a bite of my toast.  Sure, I don't want to spend an hour washing dishes for that many people, but I ate too, and when everyone else has their jobs, I need to do what I can to help.  Sure, I'd rather watch a DVD or chat with friends, but I can't always do what I want.  In fact, I need to be sure that I don't do that much at all, because there is always someone who could use a hand, no matter where I am.

This past semester I was "too busy" to help as many people with computer problems at school.  Ha, that's a joke.  I need to learn to be more focused and that I don't need to do as much for my own enjoyment.  Things that matter like staying in shape will continue this comming school year, but things that don't, like playing games online or watching TV must be kept to a minimum if done at all.  I need to find ways to get my focus off of myself and onto those who God has placed in my life and me in theirs.  I live in community, but I haven't done a very good job so far...

That's my prayer request.