So, I'm alive, and I'm free to the extent that I need to be. Am I happy? This is rather hard to answer. I'm intellectually satisfied with the choices I've made. But not emotionally. I know it's where I need to be right now. I'm three years ahead in school, but the rest of my life is somewhere behind that. I'm a senior in college at 18. Let's just say being around so many other people that date and such has made me tired of being on the outside of those relationships. I've tried my hand at more serious friendships, and have learned a lot about how unready I am.
Yeah, I'm a fairly normal guy as far as my internal motivations. I'm designed to want to be a husband and father. But for now, I'm putting all that on hold. I'm doing everything I can to keep from getting too close to any girl right now because I've got some personal issues to work out with Dad passing away and all. A lot of this stuff has just come up in the past week. I realized that some things you can't just get over. There's things that some of my friends do that remind me of some things about my dad I don't want to think about. I know I can't suppress these things (letting it build up screws up a lot of people). I've spent a lot of time thinking about these memories and talking to a psychologist and family members.
I don't think that there is a set process you an go through to work these things out. I just take the time to think and write about them and over time, ideas come to me and things start to make sense. Talking helps. Time is a big factor. It can take me months to understand some of these things I'm dealing with. And I can see myself maturing through the whole process. But maturity only comes with time and experience. Right now, I'm just trying to finish the semester and get the summer started on the right foot. That's why I'm keeping distance from everyone.
Some day I'll be ready to date/court. That day isn't today, and I don't have the slightest clue when it might show up. I'm just praying that God would show me things I can do to mature and that when the time comes, He'll make sure I don't miss any opportunities. I tend to be slow when it comes to His lessons for me, so I'm just doing the best I can.
Social Experiments:
I don't recommend this, but I tried something the past few weeks. I stopped making an effort to keep in touch with many of my friends. I did my best to not ignore them when they were around, but didn't go out of my way to find them or chat/call as usual. The idea is that I would find out who my true friends are (they should call to check up on me because they noticed I hadn't been around as much).
Heh. This part hurts.
Well, either this doesn't work, or I don't have any friends. Not one person in the test group I was focusing on tried to contact me in any way that required any effort. I even invited one to join me at dinner in the caf one night. This person said sure, and then went and sat with someone else. Yeah. I feel welcomed. It took me about two months to work out the fact that a relationship on any level (family, friend, acquaintance...) only works if both people put the same amount of effort into it. I don't mean to be rude, but I feel down right insulted and mistreated.
Yeah, I’m angry at the world and under a lot of stress. I’m probably blowing some of this out of proportion, but the following really bothered me:
I'm reading the book Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God by Dr. Donald M. Joy. In just the little that I've read so far, it talks about the network of closest relationships one must have to be healthy socially and emotionally. Well, a normal person will have 20-30 strong relationships (this includes immediate family, extended family, life long friends, and geographical friends such as coworkers, social clubs, and other friends that change when you move/change jobs). At a glance, I have 10 that I can think of right now, perhaps 12-15 if I relax the rules. I have a small immediate family, extended family doesn't really make a big effort to stay in touch, a few people at work/school that I know well enough, and only one person in my life long group right now (and he is my mentor). I'm a little sad that so few people take an interest in me, when I've invested so much time and effort into them.
I'm sorry if this bothers anyone who considers him/herself my friend and doesn't think they're included above. If you think I'm mistaken, take some time to talk to me about it. I will gladly change my mind about you if you show me you do care and aren't just saying hi when you walk by (I consider that the level of acquaintance). When you really take a minute to go out of your way to stay in touch or go catch a social event with me, that shows me you care. I’m not saying you have to change your life completely. I’m just saying from time to time, it’s nice to know I pop into your mind when I’m not standing right in front of you. Sure, I think about you when you are right there on the sidewalk, but do I think about you when I’m washing dishes or driving to church? Do I ever wonder how your day is going or think about sending you a note when you're not around? I do, do you?
Is anyone out there?
Sometimes I find myself wondering how much other people want me to care. I know there have been people in my life that have cared way to much, and I wished they would take my subtle hints and lay off the attention, so I'm always wondering the same in reverse.
ReplyDeleteThat's very true. It's hard to find the balance between giving someone too much attention and too little. My rule of thumb is a deep conversation at least once a month, and at most once a week. More, and you're getting fairly close, less, do you really know the other person? Of course, this is flexible, and it changes from person to person, but it's somewhere to start for me.
ReplyDelete